I’ve got it—you might have it—and some of you know some one who has it—-No I’m not talking about Missy.—–I’m talking about Raging Hormones.

Do you know of any woman who for two to fourteen days every month becomes a prisoner of “Raging Hormone” —This happens to me at times I think they might not even be my Hormones—or at least I think they are not. Did I say it is not just my life but the Lives of Those Around Me that might are thrown into Unholy Premenstrual Netherworld.

Don’t you start laughing now—-I don’t think there is anything funny about PMS, It does not matter that one minute I laugh—one minute I cry and if you ask me half the time I don’t know which I am doing and why—Be careful here—my Raging Hormones or it might be the lack of them will get started after all that thing called PMS —-premenstrual syndrome.

Talk about wrecking havoc you can bet those Raging Hormones do it—they play on our health, our work, our mental health, our relationships—-oh and our sense of fashion. It is not new, it has been around since Adam and Eve—think about it…..Female Disorder of the Month…..a good name for it I believe……Fickle, erratic, moody, unpredictable, and unreliable—-is this ringing any bells, yeah I thought so.

I wonder does this have anything to do with Walker saying Bitch—–to me at times—–yeah or maybe Hellhag, Hormone Hostage—–I bet you have a few synonyms you could use here—come on I know you want to share them.

In case you do not know it in the next 15 seconds, another female will pass from postmenstrual to premenstrual. Yep the battle of the hormones begins, the days between ovulation and menstruation will launch a Civil War. A Civil War that even Sherman, Grant, Lee, Jackson could not do battle with—this could be one good reason for a female to be a President or is it a reason one should not—you better watch it with your answer there.

During this Civil War my body becomes a police state—-you know what I mean here but my mind is somewhere missing in action. Then finally a truce—-well until next time—-

Is PMS real or not—–how dare you even think that—-you know I would never even think about propaganda You know it is not excuse—well I would never use it as one—-I mean leave work early, get that extension, skip that dinner date…..Is it in your mind….

Yeah I buy those ten chocolate bars once a month and eat them before I get home just because I want to and I don’t need to worry about my weight—-yeah right. Oh and it is just an excuse for my fat ankles and my irrational moods—crying—laughing—-well you get the picture—right—you better—It is Raging Hormones—-not the excuse—the reason.

Damn it knows how to fight and it fights dirty—I don’t care how many times I have my little talks with it—what you think I can do something about it with a little yoga, a little progesterone, a little deep breathing, and laying off those chocolate bars—-

Crash—–damn there went some crystal—-the yoga did not help. Sorry when all else fails screaming and throwing seems to help—-every time—-a little anyway.

In case you want to know it does not respect any person—it does not discriminate base on nationality, religion, income, or social status—just sex.

Think about—-many great women have been Hormone Hostages and many have not—I’ll be back soon with a list of a comparison of women who may or may not have had it and I bet you can add to it…Send them on if you want….

In the meantime if you notice one who begins to become disoriented, irritable, overly sensitive—or exhibit other symptoms discussed here and they are of the female sex remember it is more than a coincidence—she just might be a Hormone Hostage.

Here are a few smiles for you——

What Else PMS Stands For:

Psychotic Mood Shift
Pass My Shotgun
Perpetual Munching Spree
Puffy Mid-Section
People Make Me Sick
Provide Me with Sweets
Pardon My Sobbing
Pimples May Surface
Pass My Sweatpants
Pissy Mood Syndrome
Plainly Men Suck
Pack My Stuff
Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One !!
ONE !! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE ??? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out!

And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.

But if they did … by some miracle … actually find the light bulbs… TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT !!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN … !? WHY ?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE !! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE !! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS …

I’m sorry … what did you ask me?

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t over-do it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Have some more chocolate.

PMS SOS

If I could be painted, I would be yellow as in “caution” or better yet, “watch out.”

That’s because I am under the influence of PMS.

Yes, premenstrual syndrome has once again taken over my brain and turned me into a monster. Small animals and children should not be allowed around me. Men should cringe in the corner. Expect to hear me yelling back at the television because I will disagree with everything said.

I would dearly love to run away from myself but I can’t figure out how.

It’s a woman thing but it affects all who come near. It’s really quite scary and magnificent all at the same time.

I’ve tried all of the remedies: vitamins A through Z, exercise, bright lights. If I could walk until I calmed down, I’d be halfway to Brazil by now.

Chocolate helps. In fact, I already placed an order with See’s for a two-pound custom mix. I made sure to include enough decoy pieces to distract the children so I can eat the good pieces myself.

Notice To Our Significant Others!

Q: What can I do to end the havoc created every 28 days?
A: Absolutely nothing.

Q: Will it ever end?
A: Sure, but you’ll be so old you won’t notice.

Q: Why is it that I’m wrong so much during this awful time?
A: You just are, cope with it. Someone must bear the blame.

Q: Can I just pack up and go out with the boys?
A: Only if you are heavily insured and have a death wish.

Q: What should I do to cope with this?
A: Glad you asked … take notes …

1. Pamper your woman! Shower her with love and affection.

2. Duck (a lot).

3. Let her vent. Remember, she probably doesn’t mean it.

4. If #3 does not apply, you deserve every bit of it … don’t whine.

5. Making dinner will lessen the trauma, take note: Burnt biscuits will only add to your pain … Order out.

6. Speak only when spoken to. Limit your replies to: “Yes, of course you’re right darling” and “those jeans never fit better.”

7. Educate yourself on the magic pills your loved one prefers, keeping them on hand is a bonus point for you.

8. Keep small children (and other helpless creatures) out of the path,
keeps the casualties to a minimum.

9. Gifts and “shiny” tokens of affection are advised, just remember these words:
Bloomingdales, Macys & Spiegel.

10. Always remember, you are against something way beyond your power.

10 Ways To Know If You Have PMS …

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, “How’s my driving call 1-800 …”

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A Study

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

And if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his butt while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

It’s been determined that it’s a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition.

However, it’s an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS.

From A Man’s Point Of View …

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why.

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY I drive past at least one female that has … a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is ARMED!

Smart Man!

Signs She Has PMS …

She stops reading Glamor and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

She puts on one of those pads with “wings,” then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

She’s developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

She retains more water than Lake Superior.

She denies she’s in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and “chambers one.”

She buys you a new T-shirt … with a bulls-eye on the front.

You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,”All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?”

She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they’re out of Diet Coke.

“Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”

My greatest fear is there is no such thing as PMS and this is really my personality!

On another note and one VERY IMPORTANT—-It is Randy’s birthday—-Randy is very special to me—We have taught each other so much, we support each other—we love each other—–Randy owes me a dance and a bike ride. Happy Birthday Randy. The gift I wish I could give you would be health for your special love. Since health is something I can not purchase, know I send special thoughts and prayers for Keri each day. Continue to enjoy life to the best of your ability as you do today and never forget you have this friend here for you. Randy is not only a strong support for me but he does so much for so many as you can tell if go here. Randy, sweetie you are not 45% asshole you are 100% heart with a cute ass.

Happy Birthday Randy and may you have many more. You are one I love and I count my blessing to have you in my life.