Lately, I relate to this picture more and more. Wait; don’t go getting those ideas— I don’t look like this person. I don’t have long beautiful hair, I have short, need to be washed hair and it seems to take that look more and more these days. I don’t seem to know if it is day or night unless I can see the light from outside. Oh and these days or it might be nights when that “ I am tired” hits and sleep comes it is only for 2-3 hours and I’m awake. At times I think I’m refreshed and others not at all—it is those nap times and waking up with or without that light that gives me the —what day is it, what time is it confusion. This is so different from where I was not so long ago when all I did was sleep and still need more. There is really no difference I am finding out—then and now I’m just tired.
I’m tired. Yes just tired sometimes even exhaustion sets in. I’m tired of being wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, aunt, friend and all the other things I left out. All of these take so much of me and I have so little to give these days. I’m tired of laundry, tired of dishes, tired of running errands, tired of being a chauffeur, tired of grocery shopping, tired of trying to be there for everyone and no one being there for me. I’m just tired and sinking into a rut….I thought I was out of that rut but I fooled myself—the rut just grew bigger.
I love life. I really, really do. I would love to do all and be all that I once was and care for all that I love and adore. There are times, I see nothing getting better—-everything just looms on and on and I wonder—how much more can I do. Oh I know there are many that have life more difficult than I do and at times I feel guilty for feeling the way I do and thinking as I do. Yes you can call me ungrateful because I feel that way at times and then realization hits—I just feel discouraged and more tired. Can I break this circle— tired—ungrateful—guilty and angry?
If there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I’m alone and have to deal with it because it is going to get worse. I try to break this cycle only to find myself getting hit from another direction……which leads me to feeling—-yes tired.
At times my soul feels just too tired to go on trying. As I look back over my life I wonder how this Southern Lady could have taken all this pain. As I struggle to see some joy in all the past sunrises and sunsets, you always intervene. I miss being so strong that going on seems just a dream. Tears big silent ones expose all that I tried so hard to hide; plainly someone can see how I am so tired and dying inside.
At times the pain of old memories blocks out the joy I hope for tomorrow. Each day I only shake my head and ask, is it worth going on? Or should I just give up on this quest. Is there room left in this world for a worn out and tired wanderer amid all these folks who seem to be rushing ahead in a hurry with no idea of where they want to go…. sometimes I am just tired, and that is when my once savored memories of what I once had confounds me the most.
Surely, somewhere peace, joy, and happiness await me again… but it seems to be stored away, never to be seen in this fast paced new world in these convoluted times. I have sat here, hidden from others, telling myself the big lie that I am just waiting until the right time comes along. These thoughts run freely through my mind in these times of lonely solitude; and they once again challenge my soul to just let your memory fade, so I can be me again.
I’ll never be the Old Me again—–Missy has taken me to another level. All bets are off; I lost. No longer shall I look for any remissions, I begin my first dose of chemotherapy Friday
Many of you know my blogging activities are that of fits and starts. Just know if I am not posting here or participating in comments, I have not disappeared. I’m just passively observing. Some fell to understand even sedentary activities require more energy than I have.
I never go away, I monitor comments left and all e-mails. Some days I am just tired. Yes tired and a little angry but I still have some fight left to live a life— just not the one I always dreamed of.
February 1st, 2007 at 2:46 am
Vickie *Huge hugs*. I can identify with some of the feelings you have, at least I think I can. When you are physically tired and in pain, it’s hard to be ‘up’ and the person or persons you feel you should be for others.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:05 am
I think we can all relate to some of those feelings of tiredness of the soul, but it also sounds to me like you have reserves of strength that will see you through the hard times, and yes, happier times await you.
February 1st, 2007 at 5:12 am
Hi Vickie ~~ I am so sorry you are having a bad time just now, and pray you have the courage to get through it all.
Surely there will be better times and happiness for you.
Have courage, and know so many friends are here for you
and we all wish you well. Hugs and prayers. Love, Merle.
February 1st, 2007 at 7:28 am
You are facing another mountain to climb, a difficult task when you are feeling like you are, but I know that deep inside you have untapped reserves of strength that you will find when you need it.
*HUGS*
February 1st, 2007 at 7:30 am
I’m sorry you are having this rough time. We still have you on the prayer list at church. I would seriously beat Missy up for you if I could.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:18 am
Words I might come up with seem so inadequate. I’m praying for you, and holding you close in my heart.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:27 am
Now Ms. Vickie, you may feel all alone,but deep down in your heart, you know you aren’t. You have us, who just happens to think you are one of the most special ladies on the planet. I realize it is a rough time for you now, but I know you will never give up. You are a fighter. It is a known fact that southern ladies have a will of iron. I will be thinking of you and sending hugs your way. Take care, Girlfriend!
February 1st, 2007 at 9:40 am
are you reading my mind?
because, this is EXACTLY what was going thru it at 6am.
I am tired of doing the same thing everyday, every week of every year.
Once I wish someone would just cut ME some slack….but that NEVER EVER happens.
sigh…
when I win the powerball, Ill send you a ticket to some tropical paradise to get rested until now it looks like we have to suffer.
February 1st, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Praying for your mama, Vickie.
February 1st, 2007 at 5:17 pm
You deal with more in one day than others do in a month. It’s only natural to be exhausted between all your chores and what you face with Missy. I wish I could take all of the bad away and let you live your life pain free and full of energy. If they’d only find the cure for MS and all the auto-immune diseases, life would be easier.
You are in my prayers, my sweet friend, and I love you dearly. I’m also sending prayers to your mom, for what’s best for her because I know that is what you want. I pray for peace in your heart and that you’ll be able to get through your chemo treatments.
Take your time, let yourself get the rest you need, and heal. LOVE YOU!!!!
February 1st, 2007 at 6:27 pm
I am constantly amazed at your resilence, your positive attitude, and your courage, Vickie. You are one sweet Georgia peach in a million.
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. I will pray for her.
February 1st, 2007 at 9:25 pm
First of all, LOVE the new look!
I understand the being tired. There are days when I just don’t want to get up. I always want to wake up, but perhaps just not get out of bed and face everything. Hang in there.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:14 pm
Vickie:
Walker told me about your Mom. Just a small note to say you and your familiy are in my thoughts. Be strong, sister, I know it ain’t easy.
February 1st, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I was so sorry to hear about your mom also, Vickie. I’m praying for all of you.
February 2nd, 2007 at 2:04 am
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Huge Hugs.
Try and stay strong and get plenty of rest.
Take care of you.
Love, Raggedy
February 2nd, 2007 at 3:20 am
Hi Vickie, just read at Walker’s about your mother, so sorry to hear she isn’t well, all the very best to you and the family
(((HUGS)))
Peter.
February 2nd, 2007 at 5:50 am
i hear via walker and karen that your mom suffered a stroke. i am keeping her, as well as you in my thoughts and prayers. take care.
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:35 am
Sending you hugs and prayers.
Take care.
February 2nd, 2007 at 6:45 am
May your soul be soothed and may you find the joys in your life, even though they may be hidden behind clouds of dispair. You aren’t alone, although it may feel that way sometimes.
May God bring improved health to you and your mother.
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:47 am
I ampraying for peace for you at this most difficult time right now. HUGS and love your way. Praying for your mother as well.
*sending you a lot of hugs
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:52 am
We’re always here with you. We love you too much to let you give up the fight.
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:53 am
I was sorry to hear about your mother, she is in my thoughts and prayers.
February 2nd, 2007 at 8:59 am
I’m praying for your mother Vickie. *Big hugs*
February 2nd, 2007 at 9:41 am
Take care, Vickie. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers.
February 2nd, 2007 at 9:59 am
Nothing I can add that hasn’t already been said here; best wishes.
February 2nd, 2007 at 11:27 am
Sending hugs and love…..
February 2nd, 2007 at 11:33 am
Checking on you again. Take care of you.
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:00 pm
Sometimes words can’t express how you fell! As I read your post I thought of many things to say and I no you have heard them all so, let me just give you a big HUG and no that your in my thoughts and prayers!
February 2nd, 2007 at 12:32 pm
It’s hard to relate, since I’ve not walked in your shoes. It’s gotta be tough. What I think I would do, though, being in your situation is to get really, really ticked off at something. Listen to talk radio, or browse some internet forum on a topic you may feel passionate about. There’s nothing that energizes me more than feeling like I want to throw something at somebody for being stupid.
Then again, maybe it’s just me.
February 2nd, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Raggedy sent me over and I must say that after reading some of your posts and the comments left by your readers & friends, you must be a very strong & inspirational person. I’ll be back to read more, I’m sure.
In the meantime, I’m sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
February 2nd, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Raggedy mentioned you on her site and so I came over to see you and just say…I will say prayers for you my dear…I know what it is to feel so low and tired that you feel you cannot go on….Take Heart….there will be better times…There Will!
February 2nd, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Thinking of you, and hoping we’ll get some news on your mama and the chemo. ((HUGS))
February 3rd, 2007 at 12:17 am
I’m here via Raggedy. No return comment is expected or even desired. This comment is left for you because I just what you to know that I, a person you have never met, care about how you are feeling. I am so sorry that you are at the end of much of your energy and that even the small things take a huge toll on you. I hope the comments of complete strangers will somehow bring a lift to your spirits. Maybe just a little boost that will help you make it through this very tough time. Your sadness and feelings of futility are not out of line or out of the ordinary. You are normal to feel the way you do, and it is okay to acknowledge your true inner feelings. I hope that deep inside you will find the strength to rebound and face the future with some renewed hope once again. Until then, I hope you’ll grab ahold of any comfort that comes your way.
February 3rd, 2007 at 12:29 am
Hi Vickie ~~ I am so sorry to hear about your Mother and will include her in my prayers for you. Have
courage dear girl, and never give up. Love, Merle.
February 3rd, 2007 at 12:55 am
I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way.
February 3rd, 2007 at 4:07 am
Dear Vickie,
You have been an inspiration for me. You can’t imagine the depth of my feelings for you. I carry the “cool one” name you gave me with great pride.
I know you are in a difficult place in your life right now. I am sending prayers of love and strength your way. Take care of yourself. I love you sweetie. Hugs
:heart::heart:
February 3rd, 2007 at 6:18 am
Things sound really rough right now, I’m sorry.
Sending prayers for you and your mama.
February 3rd, 2007 at 6:59 am
HI Vickie, Raggedy sent me over to say Hi. Hi. I figure if you’re a friend of hers…then you’re okay. Sorry about this hand you’ve been dealt. Stick with it. Chin up. You don’t deserve to feel this way. I read a quote the other day that seems to fit here: The best part about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. keep on.
February 3rd, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Vickie, Raggedy sent me, as well. You are in my prayers.
February 3rd, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Hi Vickie!
I came via Raggedy´s site - I´ll keep you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers!
All my best wishes and
{{{{HUGS}}}} from Germany,
San
February 3rd, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Raggedgy mentioned you on her site. I hope all goes well for you and your Mom. I have added you both to my prayer list. God Bless!
February 3rd, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Hi Vickie,
Just read about your Mom at Walkers site. Both she and yourself are in my thoughts. Sorry this had to happen at a time when you are not feeling so great yourself. My best to you both.
February 4th, 2007 at 9:06 am
I read about your mother on Karen’s blog. All my best wishes to both of you! *HUGS*
February 4th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
I understand, sweetheart. And it doesn’t help that we’ve not had more than a teaspoon full of sun in weeks. I’m not greatly affected by SAD - but turn off the sun and my biorhythms go straight to hell in a handbasket. Add in lots of pain, immobility and tons of responsibility - and I’m with you. All I want is to go to bed and pull the covers over my head. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending upon your perspective) that’s just not possible. All those niggling responsibilities preclude that. Today is a very bad pain day for me – and yet here I sit, actively blogging; to be followed by laundry, dusting, baking and other household chores. The only other person in the house is currently sitting in bed watching marathon episodes of ‘The Closer’. I would love to join him there – but in between my bouts of pain – there are those responsibilities that need attending to. The critters won’t feed themselves. As an aside – how can men manage that? Eschewing responsibility to relax? I’m constantly tied in knots – overwhelmed by that guilt you mentioned. If I rest, or try and relax, I’m crushed by the need to ‘do’. It’s like a mantra inside my head - I must get up, I have work to do, I’m being lazy. Yet men can turn off the entire world in a heartbeat – focusing only on themselves. To a certain extent I envy them the ability. I wish I could do it too.
So you see - I truly do understand exactly how you feel. I wish I could buck you up – inject some of that joy de vivre that’s slipped away with all the illness and pain. Honey – I can hardly do it for myself these days. But if it helps - you are not alone. There is at least someone out here who understands everything. I will tell you what it is keeps me going – even on my darkest of days. The belief that this will pass. Yes, my illness, though different from yours, will also dog me for life. But there have been respites. Spates of time when there was no pain, and I was able to function; albeit on a limited level. I know I can never go back to the free-wheeling, brave explorer that I was (I think I miss dancing the most). But still life can be sweet. I live in hope for those moments. I can only pray that that belief sustains you as well. You are in my thoughts and in my prayers, my friend.
February 4th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
Hi Vickie, I wish I had the power to make everything better for both you and your mother. I wish you only the very best results from the chemo. You are a wonderful friend. Thanks for leaving your comment on my blog. Being so tired makes it harder to handle things, but remember we are all here to listen if you ever need an extra ear to talk to. Sometimes it helps when we can talk to a friend.
February 4th, 2007 at 8:02 pm
Hi Vickie
Sending as much love as I can. I’m sorry about your momma. And I hope you start feeling better soon.
February 4th, 2007 at 11:15 pm
Take care, dear Vickie–and do the best you can to get through these health issues. I have always admired your positive attitude, and it will be your salvation. I know it’s hard to remember that sometimes. Lots of love.
February 4th, 2007 at 11:27 pm
Hang in there, Vickie and know that I am thinking of you.
February 5th, 2007 at 1:50 am
I am very sorry to hear about your mother.
My prayers are with both you and your mother.
May you be blessed with the courage and extra strength to see you through these dark times.
Love Margaret
February 6th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
Ms. Vickie….
I hear you, loud and clear.
{{{{{Vickie}}}}}
Prayers going up for comfort… for you and your beautiful, beloved mother.
March 2nd, 2007 at 6:04 am
You may not look like this person but you have such a beautiful heart, mind, spirits. I have been exploring your site for some time now. I loved this. Wish to sit on your sidebar. Could you link?
April 12th, 2007 at 12:38 am
hi nice site.