Let me preface this entire post by saying it is not directed to or at anyone and it is not directly in response to or retaliation of anything I’ve read on anyone else’s blog recently.
I was simply inspired to write this post by things I have been thinking about and working on for a long time.
So, if you’re reading this thinking “oh my God, is she talking about me?” - I’m not.

The New Year came and I made a production out of Same Woman, New Beginnings.
There are times when change is the right thing at the right time, but there are also times when the urge for change is really just a desire to run away from problems that need to be faced rather than avoided. Was that what this was all about for me, I have asked myself and I still have no clear cut answer.

So I decided to just look a little deeper at one thing in my life, my blog.

In a short time, it will be four years since I started blogging. There are times when I wonder why I do this and am still doing it. Always Victoria was my first attempt in the blog world. It was there that I was known to have the “Inspirational and Motivational” place.

Now that was all well and good, but I was in a corner and had allowed myself to walk right in and shut that door even locking it. I enjoyed it, yes but what about ME that was not what I really wanted my blog to be about. I wanted one to be more about ME and my life.
Remember I said I was in a corner with the door locked; well when I would try to change and write something different, I felt the tug of a ball and chain. So you see I was not just locked but shackled, I just could not or would not make that change.
My post went from “Inspirational and Motivational” to “Unemotional and Discouraging”. I was even told by one that my writing could lead them to become depressed—-yes they liked my writing but day after day with the writing so depressing where was that to leave the one reading? Gee I agree there is something to be said; no one can be cheery and inspirational all the time and remember that “Life Is Simply Good” well is it everyday?
No way, this is the real world I am talking about today, not where every day is Friday Fantasy or Monday Madness.

I always said I was an open book and had taken pride in saying what you see is what you get and pulling no punches.
Yes that is how I am.
One thing I am not is patient and often look for and live for today. In being true to my personality, I jumped up and moved not literally but in the blog world.
Yes, leaving behind Always Victoria something new was born.

November 2005, Ms. Vickie, the Southern Belle was born. Here I showed more of who I am. I shared all of the layers that make up this Southern Lady.
Yes there was some Inspiration, humor, sadness, caring, special requests and let us not forget the erotic sharing I did.

Here I struggled as I shared and others realized I was not locked in that room, I had escaped. Guess what…they realized if I could not stay in that room and be happy they would throw away their key and never return.
Some kept their key and still peep in but just don’t like or understand me. You see I am a real person with all the feelings everyone has. I just chose to share things, acknowledge them and not hide them.
I chose to be a complete female and express myself. I begin to slowly emerge in the writing world to be as I am in the real world.
A complete person, and share that person here.

The layers were peeling away, my writing was flourishing. I was sharing all aspects of how I felt it was to be a Southern Lady. One who struggles daily but does not allow an illness to define them and their daily living, yes I have those fantasies I am a female. I just don’t hide them as so many do.
Oh and let me not forget I am human and I do make mistakes in my life, just like you do.

When put up against a wall did I fight or did I curl in a ball and close my eyes and wish the world away, I jumped up and moved again, yes you got it another blog was born, Beyond the Crossroads.
This was to be my answer, I could do anything I wanted here, have anything I wanted, it is a very generic place to have fun.
Notice I said “FUN.”
There were times it was and then there came the times I was sliding back into why am I here. This became a boring place; I once had a pretty good place in the blog world. Instead of what I expected to have here I found time and time again it was becoming a chore when I thought about a blog.

I do realize last year was a crappy year and so much happened in my life. This year has started out much more of the same. I have stayed away from the blog world more and more lately and begin to give a lot of thought about blogging.
Why do I blog?

Clearly, I don’t live an exciting or really interesting life. This is not a sex blog, a mom’s blog, a political blog, a religious blog, a medical blog, or a photography blog—-this is just my blog and a dull and boring one these days.
In being my blog you just might see some of all those post here . Yes I am a mom, I have a Cat named Smoltz and spoiled he is.
If you wonder just where I am going with this, well several places so follow along with me.

In the past I would have picked up and moved, not this time. I’m staying but that had a little to do with the Same Woman, New Beginnings. I owe the decision of not jumping and moving to a friend who has been and is always honest with me.
The advice given was allowing your blog to evolve as you do ….. Just stop moving. Imagine this I listened, I stayed and will evolve here once personal issues resolve and I am comfortable in the blog world again. My life has changed and even as I change the one thing I can say is as I prepared for the holidays, it was one of the happiest times I can remember.
I was all ready to come back and share so much with you and allow you to see and feel the happiness in my life.

One of the things I miss most when I first started to blog was the anonymity of it all. If I wanted to be a deep thought provoking person I could, if I wanted to be funny I could, if I wanted to be depressed I could. Now it is different. I have let you in; I peeled the layers off one by one and exposed myself. I have hidden a few things from you. One is because Carl asked me not to share it here and I respect his wish. The other thing I have not been honest about has to do with my weight and the battle I fight with it—-I worry what people will think of me. The other times I hold back is because I don’t want to hurt others and am concerned with how they might take what I am saying here.

As I write this, I know I am being judged by people reading this now and I use not to feel like that. Those judging me might very well be the ones who I have let in more than others. They know things that some of you don’t know because they are people I consider or considered friends. I am angry and hurt but I don’t vent here because I don’t feel I have that place. So I have asked myself should I just stop this or not……I’m not making any rash decision at this time because maybe things will settle down and I will feel differently again.
You all know how I vacillate about things and remember I am FEMALE and it is my prerogative.

I guess one thing I do want to make clear, we all live in the same world yes even the world of blogging……you want to talk about something, I want to talk about it well then we should but the one thing I want you to remember…..different people see things different. Different people will say things different. However there is always going to be someone that will see themselves in what is said.

My own insecurities have lead me to believe that YOU would judge me for my weight, yes I am sensitive but that gives me no right to think every post or cartoon featuring fat people is about ME. I know better and you should as well. Insecurities lead us to believe that everybody knows and judges our short comings. Get the FUCK over it—grow up not everything is about you and it certainly is not about me—there is a time it is about US.

I am going to be who I am or who I might become right here and all I have to say if you can not take it then all I can say is “Life’s a bitch…I am who I am…..so get over it”

I am here and raring to go. So come along you don’t want to miss out.
Oh and forget the shackles I left those behind—-you might bring the handcuffs……That could be FUN just bring the key.