Here it is another Saturday and time for some smiles—today we will share a few that are a little racy—I mean a little risque but so enjoyable if you enjoy jokes. I was too late in sharing the marriage proposal with our good friend SteelCowboy. Make sure you go visit him and wish him the best as he and Cheri tie the knot today—the day he thought would never get here. SC is one of my favoite reads and one many of you read. If you do not read him you should but it does not matter please go now and wish him the best as he enters a new chapter in his life. You can find him here.

MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that…

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that’s being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault.
Even if I wasn’t there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl’s night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies.
Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby’s butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard…

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have “ruined me for other men”.

Section 6 01. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women.
I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.02 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

REASONS TO SMILE

* Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

* Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

* I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.

* How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

* A good friend will come and bail you out of jail… but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Darn…that was fun!”

* I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

* When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”

* Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

* Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

* Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

* Wouldn’t you know it… Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

* Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

* Bumper sticker of the year:”If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier !!”

QUICKIES

* What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

* What’s “68″?
You do me and I owe you one.

* What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gagged!

* What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.

* Have you heard about the new supersensitive condoms?
They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

* Define “Egghead ”
What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

* What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye almost killed him!

* Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
Because if you’ll eat that stuff, you’ll eat anything.

* How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

* KY Jelly has jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:
“Y2K-Y Jelly : when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!”

* Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.

* What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
“How come?”

* Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

* What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

* Hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
“They’ll never see you coming.”

* What’s the definition of a vagina?
The box a penis comes in.

* What two words will clear out a men’s restroom?
“Nice Dick!”

* What do you call a truckload of vibrators?
Toys for Twats.

* What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M&M.

* What’s the definition of eternity?
The length of time between when YOU come and SHE leaves.

* Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

* Mom’s have Mother’s Day, father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
Palm Sunday.

* Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

* What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!

* What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

* Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

* How can you get AIDS from a toilet seat?
By sitting down before the last guy gets up.

* What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitutes for meat.

* What do you call kids born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.

* What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!

* Have you heard about the blind hooker?
You’ve gotta hand it to her!

* What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

* How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

* Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

* What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
They’re both filled with stiffs, but you come in one, and go in the other!

* Can you say three two-letter words that mean small?
Is it in?

* What do you call a ninety-year-old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle Whip.

* What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.

* What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
Gladiator!

* How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

* What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you’ve finished with the breasts and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

* Why do you get paid more at the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.

* What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

* If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

* What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

* Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year!

* When does a cub become a boy scout?
When he eats his first Brownie.

* What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

* What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She’s going to eat me!

* How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One…men will screw anything.

* What is the difference between “ooooooh” and “aaaaaaah”?
About three inches.

* What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

* What is the definition of wicker box?
It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to JLo.

I’ll see you back where Life Is Simply Good