Christmas and emotions | Filed under General
Well Christmas has come and gone. As I said in my last post before the holidays, At Christmas, children play an essential part in our celebrations. So much of what we do is intended to please them. I saw this time and time again over the holidays when we visited with our families and never have I missed having my own children more than I did this year.
Anger
Brewing, stewing, spewing,
Churning, boiling, heaving,
Hot-just like a cup of coffee
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger.
Welling, swelling, pressure
Force, dwelling, stress
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger
Seething, teasing, pleasing,
Finds me, binds me, blinds me,
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger
PLEASE leave me, clean me, free me,
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger.
EXPLOSION!!!
Silence, sobs, silence, sobs
Thick, heavy silence
Unbearable, fearful, unknown
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger.
Victoria Smith 12-27-05 1:25AM
Churning, boiling, heaving,
Hot-just like a cup of coffee
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger.
Welling, swelling, pressure
Force, dwelling, stress
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger
Seething, teasing, pleasing,
Finds me, binds me, blinds me,
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger
PLEASE leave me, clean me, free me,
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger.
EXPLOSION!!!
Silence, sobs, silence, sobs
Thick, heavy silence
Unbearable, fearful, unknown
It’s nothing but gut-wrenching anger.
Victoria Smith 12-27-05 1:25AM
Anger and resentment I have toward my husband for not wanting children. Anger and resentment I have toward Missy for labeling me as a less than desirable adoptive parent. However as it was pointed out to me, life goes on and it is not really good to dwell on it. These feelings will pass again and I did have a great time at Christmas visiting and playing with all the kids those on my side of the family and those on the husband’s side of the family. Not only was the playing with the kids fun but the conversations with the adults and of course the food was great as well.
November 30th, 1999 at 12:00 am
Having children was taken away from me as well with my auto immune disease. I would of loved to have children, but it just wasn’t what God had planned for me. I think letting out and venting is doing good. I know it is not easy. I am an email away if you want to talk.
*HUGS*
December 27th, 2005 at 2:24 pm
I’m glad to hear you had a nice Christmas enjoying the kids Vickie. I hear you about wanting and not having kids. It just wasn’t in the cards for me, and yet it was all I ever wanted since I was a little girl.
December 27th, 2005 at 2:34 pm
I understand, Vickie. My ability to have kids was taken away from me from my childhood abuse, then for health reasons. It took years to make my peace with not having kids. It was easier because I was never married. Although I have made my peace with it, it angers me to see parents treat their children like a bother instead of gifts from God - that is what they are.
You are such a wonderful and loving lady, any child would be lucky to have you as a mother or in their lives. You have love to give and can make any child happy, whether the child is yours or not.
Work through this anger, let it out, then in time, replace the anger with love and give all the love you have to give to children who need it.
BIG HUGS and lots of LOVE coming your way. I’m here if you need to talk…
December 27th, 2005 at 3:14 pm
I have meet several in blogsville who can’t have children. I some how feel their pain and recentment. I pray your able to let go girl and trust that we don’t have all the answers! Have a good week! (HUGS)
December 27th, 2005 at 3:24 pm
You are doing the best thing. Vent. Get it out.
December 27th, 2005 at 10:43 pm
Hope you had a wonderful Christmas
December 27th, 2005 at 10:52 pm
I don’t know how you feel, but I do know what anger feels like and you have to work through it. Just holding it inside isn’t helping anyone and only hurting you. Look forward to 2006!!
December 28th, 2005 at 12:15 am
Anger is a healthy emotion, don’t stuff it.
I’ll never understand why some of the most loving individuals cannot have children. You would be a perfect mom if there is such a woman on earth. Gobs of love from NM.
And remember, kids do not define who we are.
December 28th, 2005 at 2:46 am
Welcome home Vickie.
December 28th, 2005 at 4:48 am
Thank you for sharing such a personal post. I do not know how you feel as I’ve not walked in your shoes. You bring so much goodness and love into others lives - perhaps that was God’s will for you. I know that doesn’t help much, but the only thing I can think to say.
Vent anytime you feel like it; that’s what we are here for - each other. Take care and God Bless.
December 28th, 2005 at 8:27 am
Sending you hugs, Vickie! I’d be willing to bet you’re a blessing in the lives of all the children you encounter.
December 28th, 2005 at 8:44 am
You would make a lovely mom.
Ive got a charming 18 year old boy here that I can rent out if you like. He showers at least once a week, stinks of B.O. Bangs door, drinks hard liquor, listens to death metal, his favorite rocker is in jail for cruicifying someone on stage at a concert. ill loan him out. That should put you off the idea of kids!!!
I hope you dont find this comment offensive, it is meant to be light hearted.
Big hugs, susan
December 28th, 2005 at 12:43 pm
Ditto Cheryl’s comment.
December 28th, 2005 at 3:05 pm
You know I have always thought you would have been a natural mother. I’m sorry this Christmas was hard and brought up those feelings. I’m glad it was good otherwise with the family and holidays. God Bless.
December 28th, 2005 at 7:06 pm
Interesting you should post this. I’ve got my two boys, but this Christmas for the first time I really noticed how much they’ve grown up and as I watched their younger cousins, felt an acute sense of loss for their younger selves.
Also there’s that Kyra-sized hole in all of our hearts at Christmas time, she was the oldest of all the kids on my hubby’s side of the family, but they’ve all passed her now.
My sis in law Wendy is prevented from having children by MS as well.
Before I was married, my hubby and I went to Engaged Encounter and the priest told us that getting married made us a family of two, and that the most important person in a person’s family is their spouse. We get to choose our spouses, our kids are different, given to us (or not), we don’t have that much control over that.
Hugs to you.
December 28th, 2005 at 7:39 pm
I have no doubts that you would have made a wonderful mother. There was even a time when I wanted kids, but that passed on my fortieth birthday. My dad was fifty-five when I was born, and I didn’t want to be so much older, recalling how I lost him at a young age.
I’m totally at peace now with being childless, and should I find the right person, look forward to selfishly spending time with her.
December 28th, 2005 at 8:47 pm
Vickie, I read this yesterday and today. I tried to see if you were online but must have missed you. I think there’s another thing you should know besides the wonderful friendships and sympathy over not having children…YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE. When I think about you, I smile. When I needed a friend, you were there. I will always treasure that.
YOU HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE.
I love you.
And I have a hard time saying that to people I’ve never met.
But I love you.
December 29th, 2005 at 12:38 am
I’m glad you navigated Christmas and did so facing your emotions head on. We would expect no less. We to survived the mixed emotions of the season. I ought to take a cue from your anger poem and concoct one of my own about self pity. Sounds like righteous therapy. Happy New Year fine woman.
December 29th, 2005 at 1:05 am
You can be my Blog Mommy, Vickie. I’ll call you “Blo-mma” for short.
Consider yourself adopted.
December 29th, 2005 at 5:30 am
I know there are things in life we simply must accept as God’s will. But sometimes it is so difficult. I see someone like you. Someone I know would have been a womderful, amazing Mother. Then I look at myself, and all the mistakes I made. I can’t help but think how much more fortunate my children would have been to have had a Mom like you. Any child would have been blessed to have had you for a Mother.
I know God had a reason. But my simple human mind simply can’t imagine what it could have been.
I too am glad Christmas is over. As you know it’s always difficult for me as well.
On the other hand I am Soooo looking forward to New Years!