Speed Limit

An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, ‘I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.’

The police officer said, ‘I didn’t pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.’

‘But the sign says 22.’

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.

All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, ‘What’s wrong with them?’

‘Well, we just came off Interstate 134.’

Flight Announcement

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

Daddy’s Job

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.” “Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

Important Emails

Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004. It’s so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I’m sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it’s good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don’t leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don’t mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It’s weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

PS: If you don’t send this by e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will shit on you tomorrow at 3:00 PM!

Have a great day and remember Life Is Simply Good.