Pondering my life | Filed under General
Grief is something we go through for ourselves, something that allows us to make a transition from having to not having. When we grieve, we focus on our loss, our “new” life without this person or this pet or this town or this house or this loss to us because of a medical disease such as Missy or Timmy. Grief is a healthy response to drastic change, a response that allows us to deal with the pain of loss and get on with our lives.
Many people, though, go through a much longer and stronger grieving period than others, to the point that they make themselves sick or anxious or miserable. This happens most often when we mix in other elements with the grief–regret or self-pity or anger or resentment or guilt are just a few of the emotions or feelings we can add to the grief and take away our love for life, at least for a time. Once we add these elements, grief is no longer healthy, but destructive. It’s no longer helpful, but harmful. And the only way around it is to recognize what we’re doing.
I have grieved the life I had before Missy and I have moved on but there is times I feel as if I live in a fog and know I have not reconciled as I want to. I thought I would share some pondering with you that I have had and would love to hear your thoughts.
“Real life doesn’t give a damn about the particulars of how you live it. It just keeps flowing and happening and creating and destroying–all the richness and terror, the beauty and power–and you get the whole ball of wax, with or without a disability.”
“Inclusion is inclusion, and it means everybody.”
“We should not be afraid to inspire–the world needs it badly, and we need the experience of giving it extravagantly.”
“Usually we have to see our perceived failings in others we know and respect–and see that they’re evidence of anatomy, not amorality–before we can get over them in ourselves. First we distance the shame as theirs, not ours, then we see that there is no shame.”
“We may be fragmented as a community and self-interested as individuals, but we have unique reason to see that we’re not immune to the worst things that happen to others. We know we’re not islands unto ourselves.”
“Too soon we get old, too late we get smart.”
“Once we fully understand how universal is [the] fear of otherness–and that it truly is fear and not hate–then we can learn to touch people in the face of their anxieties. Quite suddenly, we are free to discover the kindness of strangers. Quite suddenly, strangers are free to discover us.”
“Disability is expensive. Expensive lifestyles are usually reserved for the rich. Disabled people, as a whole, are poor as dirt. How does anybody make sense of that?”
“Without our in-your-face advocates, we’d be nowhere. They’re the reason we have recognized rights. But putting our freedom to use doesn’t end when those battles are won; it begins. The next step is taking our rights and applying them to the way we live. That’s why we write about the arts, about sports, politics and housing. About nursing homes and the alternatives. About managing attendants, finding jobs, beating disincentives, working with the system and escaping poverty. And it’s why we write about people. What other people do with their freedom is a sure indicator of what I can do with mine. Information empowers.”
“As my life’s turning points go … That pilot is an almost was. It was Missy that turned me inside out and spat me out a different person. My life was no longer the road not taken but the road yanked out from under. … I still have trouble reconciling the life before with the life after.”
“Do not go gently. Fight the loss of every friend and lover. Call, e-mail, write. Be available, show up when you can. Meet an old flame for lunch. Observe the occasions, nourish the memories, rekindle every romance. Relationships are the happy ending, the best reward of life. Relationships are love that lasts.”
“We don’t often choose our adventures, but does anyone? We like to think we do, but the best adventures befall us, not we them.”
“Adapting to disability is one of the great triumphs of human evolution.”
“Some of us have more reason to aspire than others–they’re dug in deeper or they have higher to fly. They’re the ones who become the sun.”
“Leaving work was a good decision for me. It led me to explore dreams, to my sister that I so long ago grew apart from, to friends I never knew that hold me on course, to explore writing with a passion I never knew existed and to simply be me .”
“Reader, it led to you, and this is my favorite and the winner of all.” “Where I am always saying, Life Is Simply Good.”
October 10th, 2005 at 12:20 pm
“As my life’s turning……..” Substitute the word Timmy and I could have written that paragraph!
October 10th, 2005 at 2:53 pm
“Do not go gently…” I never have and never will. ^j^
October 10th, 2005 at 3:01 pm
I battle deep immersion into self pity. Just this weekend I saw an elderly couple, in apparant reasonable good health, enjoying a cold one kneed up to the bar at a local watering hole. Just the kind of thing my lovely bride and I shared together with great frequency. No longer. She’s been robbed and I’ve been robbed. Yes, we adapt - we have to adapt. And we find simple pleasures to express and to share our love. If ‘real life’ doesn’t care, then I take that to mean God doesn’t care. We create our own real life, then attribute the results to some supreme being if our creation melts from our own tears. Life is simply, well, it’s life; then you die.
October 10th, 2005 at 3:39 pm
Grieving is essential if we are to move on. Sure life will never be the same, but we can focus on the good in our lives after we get the anger and sadness out. What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.
Love you! *HUGS*
October 10th, 2005 at 4:00 pm
“Too soon we get old, too late we get smart.”
Oh how true. If only I had known then what I know now. How many times have we all said that? But then, what would be the point? Life is one big learning experience. Not always pleasant, but educational.
October 10th, 2005 at 7:13 pm
I know about Timmy, butI am new, so could you explain more about Missy? It sounds like you are grieving the loss of your good health and former life. I am so sorry! Life is full of twists and turns, ups and downs. It is just plain hard a lot of the time.
October 10th, 2005 at 7:45 pm
It is important to be able to grief it you have a serious illness. I have issues that I wouldn’t have, but since I am autoimmune… I have my good days and bad days, grieving days and happy days !! Great post, Vickie !!
*HUGS*
October 10th, 2005 at 11:07 pm
Without healthy grieving, we would burst from unresoved pain. Life does always go on around us no matter what we are experiencing, and sometimes it seems cruel to do so. But it is as it should be…. and once we have come to a more stable place from grieving, we wouldn’t have it any other way.
You are so special, my Soul Lady, and you ARE the sun for so many. Love you.
October 11th, 2005 at 5:40 am
Vickie you are my soul sister. I feel the raw emotive words and more. Grieving is a process and it is natural to mourn our losses, past and future tense. We do not write the script. Gobs of love
October 11th, 2005 at 7:52 am
Beautiful thoughts and picture. “Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. -Mark Twain
October 11th, 2005 at 8:26 am
I recently saw a movie “Crash”. In that movie one of the characters realizes she is angry all the time and then wonders why? So many people are not in balance, and you can see it after five minutes from the way they are. Maybe they haven’t gotten over their grief yet.
But anger can also be a force for the positive. It can give people a huge dose of energy that drives them in their endeavours. Some highly successful people seem angry all the time when they speak. They don’t accept things as they are. They want to change things. This is what drives them. From what I can see from here, you have an incredible amount of energy to share with us what you have learned. Congratulations for having turned everything into something so positive!
October 11th, 2005 at 8:31 am
I am good at grieving–death, divorce, autism….but I am also good at getting back in there and this posts affirms that once more.
Oh, and I am glad you are a Falcons fan. A girl should always be faithful to her hometown team. And, I am thrilled that you love football!
Hang in there Miss Victoria. You are a blessing and blessings will surely follow you!
October 11th, 2005 at 8:47 am
You need your grief and you handle it well. Powerful entry again. Thanks for sharing these private thoughts.
October 11th, 2005 at 12:12 pm
Bless you. From my (new) experience in the public schools, I have one observation: God bless the parents and caretakers of the disabled, the in-your-face advocates for those who may not be able to fight for themselves. There must be a special place in heaven. Grace to you, sister!
October 11th, 2005 at 12:37 pm
I often hear “If I had known then what I know now” but I think we don’t know what life has ahead of us so that we WILL live those adventures.
This, as always, is a Victoria first class post!
October 11th, 2005 at 6:24 pm
The road not taken may have a great journey or may be a battle - no matter what it is like we all will come out somehow on the other end !
Hugs to you Victoria
October 12th, 2005 at 11:37 pm
I’ve learned something profound from knowing so many bereaved parents–
The grief never ends, never. Some griefs improve, but I haven’t met anyone yet who has lost a child who says that there was a point where they healed.
But we learn to accomodate that grief, we learn to live in the world. I don’t think losing your physical abilities is something that you ever just adjust to either.
I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you, but I know enough about how Missy affects people that I know there are many things to grieve.
I worry about you and I love you.
Blessings…
October 13th, 2005 at 11:40 am
I love what you’re writing here, Vickie. You are so right about all of it. And grieving is such an important subject, and such a complex one, too.
October 13th, 2005 at 7:41 pm
With spirit like yours Vickie nothing will beat you, not even Missy.