Moving into a new phase of life and outgrowing friends | Filed under General
Every one of us lives a life colored by individual and changing experiences, perceptions, needs, and desires. We connect with others, becoming friends and confidants, most often because they share something with us, such as an interest or need. But as time goes on there is change, and the bonds that brought you close to a treasured friend may not be enough to sustain the relationship. You may find your lives have gone in wildly different directions and you no longer share the same aspirations, or you may have changed on an energetic level. It is not unusual in such a situation to find that the comfort you found in the other person has vanished and that you have trouble relating as you once did. Outgrowing a friend can be confusing or painful, but it is a natural part of one’s personal growth.
You have a right to choose to surround yourself with those people who understand you, are helpful and compassionate, and put you at ease. Months or years into a friendship, you may find your friend no longer seems like the same person he or she once was. The change may have been within them, but may also have come from within you. Moving on does not mean that your past shared experiences were not meaningful or important to you both, but rather it acknowledges your needs in the present. Ending a friendship can be difficult. You may not feel comfortable explaining your reasons for doing so. Even so, you can still be kind, respectful, and considerate, and simply state that you can no longer devote time to the friendship. When you have made the conscious decision to let go of the relationship, it will most likely happen naturally. Sometimes you must let go for people will often attempt to smother the passion you are fighting to keep burning , or to hold you back when all you want to do is soar higher and higher. Then there are times you allow things to just be and you find a friendship is even more precious than ever so you never know which will happen as you allow yourself to soar.
The people who are or have been a part of your life each taught you something. Some friendships are long-term while others are brief. In all relationships, however, it is important to embrace changes and to let go of regrets. While you may outgrow the need to maintain a friendship with someone who was once very special to you, that person will nonetheless always occupy a place in your heart.
What do you think? Please share your thoughts here as you know by now, this is not just my place but our place or I would like for it to be. I would like to make you more comfortable here so you would be open to sharing and speaking out here more. In order to make this take place, I need to hear your thoughts on things. Any thoughts you have will be welcome so please share them. If you are not comfortable doing so here in the comment section, then please send them to me in an e-mail. I would also like to know if anyone is interested in guest blogging here from time to time? I am trying to think of a few ways to improve here and not lose what I have . I am not devoting what I should to the blog community as a whole, If I post,I often am not able to visit others and I enjoy that more than posting so I find myself at a stand-off.
Until next time, Let us make certain Life Is Simply Good.
May 22nd, 2005 at 9:46 pm
Hey girl, I don’t think you expected me to be first to comment. I suppose some things are mint to be. As I listened to you I felt sterile inside. I don’t belive you can turn true love on and off like a faucet!
Since my on illness, I have with drawn from just about every thing except golf. No ones fault just me! I have moved on in some relationships because I could not stand the pain of them watching me and talking behind my back.
This was not through any growth on my part but rather self-conscious. I agree many things change us through out our life. However this doesn’t mean because we change we dump our friends as though they were mere acquaintances.
I am not going to excuse my withdrawal because of being sick but rather of fear of the unknown. I may wake up tomorrow and not remember writing this or even you! I watched my mom as she forgot who I am! It nearly tore my heart out.
Those who have had a life long friendship I applaud and think it is wonderful. I have read just today of some of those friendships. This is love when you can befriend someone far a lifetime. Know it’s not easy because of our individuality. It takes forgiveness and understanding on both sides!
Ok I shut up! Have a good week my FRIEND!
May 22nd, 2005 at 10:51 pm
Relationships of various ilk come and go as we have need. There are times when circumstances momentarily displace some friendships, but then once the circumstances are altered, the friendship resumes just as though it had never been disturbed. Others, unfortunatley, are merely temporary and there’s nothing one can do to make them stay.
-G
May 22nd, 2005 at 11:28 pm
You are giving us alot, Vickie! I know how hard it is to visit your friends blogs, because I have the same problem, and I’m sure you understand. So don’t worry bout visiting my blog if you are very busy, because your blog will always be on my blogroll, and when I can, I’ll come visit yours.
I might be losing my best friend Sally because she just told me that her family might be going to the states soon since her dad is getting a Medical discharge! I don’t know if it’s because my mom knocked him down with one hit in the Pugel War Tournament, but he did go to the hospital that day, but at least he’s been nice since then.
Sally might be going away, but she will forever be in my heart!
I hope you had a nice weekend, Vickie, and even if we have not met, and you don’t know much bout me, you have a friend here!
May 22nd, 2005 at 11:45 pm
So very true. Although we do move on to different friends, we dont stop loving these people who touched our lives. Im having my 40th bday soon. We are inviting quite a few old friends that we havent seen for years. Sometimes we have to make an effort to maintain what friendships we do have. Sometimes, it isnt that we out grow them, but just dont make the time.
May 23rd, 2005 at 3:47 am
I have had a close friend for over 17 years, we are so close I call her my sister and she I. Her kids call me Aunt… as mine do her. We have been through so much together, laughter, tears, good times and bad.
I am truly blessed to have such a friend as her.
What is the key to a successful friendship? I believe it is just being there for other, without judging, and just loving that person for who they are.
May 23rd, 2005 at 6:17 am
There are friends that you need at times more than others. Each person has different qualities and you seek them out when you need them, and they seek you out when they need you. Life is constantly changing and people come in and out of our lives. No real explanation but I think it has a lot to do with our needs and our growth.
Beautiful post!! I’m so proud to call you friend. *HUGS*
May 23rd, 2005 at 7:05 am
Vick - I have to tell you that sometimes all the security you have in place here for posting, sometimes taxes my patience. It’s Monday, and I don’t have alot of patience anyway. I forgot to fill in my email, and got the error message to provide one, so back I went, and my whole comment had disappeared. There, I vented.
I am firmly committed to friendships, and I do not use the term lightly. Thru thick and thin, and back again. Saying that, I must admit that most of my friends live some distance from me, so that eliminates the smothering factor. There are some friends that I haven’t talk to for awhile, but I know they are there if I need them, just as they know I am always here for them. We just don’t have to be in each other’s face everyday to realize our friendship. These friendships have endured since college, and some from childhood, I cannot imagine not having these people in my life.
Now lady friends is something altogher different, I have had to move on from a few of those, for just the reasons you mentioned. Very few hard feelings, and for that I am grateful.
Enjoy your day, even if it is a Monday.
May 23rd, 2005 at 12:14 pm
Well Victoria, I am getting paid back for my grouchy mood this morning, I had to come home because of an annoying bug of some sort.
I really am sorry I vented about this minor problem the way I did here, I should have emailed you. Alas, as this has only happened to me once, I don’t think I can lay the blame on your blog, therefore, and I hate this, the fault must be my own inability to fill in the blanks. Sometimes, I can be such a moron, so forgive me.
I hope you haven’t outgrown our friendship, how could you? I am so adorable, warts and all, lol.
Now, I really do want you to have a great day.
May 23rd, 2005 at 7:24 pm
I’ve had the experience you described of “outgrowing” or growing away from friends, many times, although I have maintained a small number of friendships for many years. Sometimes the departure was painful or ugly; sometimes it was just a relief. When I lose a friend I value, it pains me greatly; but when a “toxic person” and I part ways, I’m glad of it. Life is just too short to waste hangin around with people who make you feel lousy.
May 23rd, 2005 at 11:20 pm
I have just been through a drastic change in regards to friendships. I am still a little bitter towards both of them for how things went down, I will always cherish the time I had with them, the things I learned from them. I am who I am because they where in my life. They are an integral well lit part of my soul, they are inbedded in every beat of my heart. It is however time to move on..for them, and for me..I would have preferred a different route. You are a wonderful writer, this post was marvelous and timely. I will be back again, ty for this:)
May 24th, 2005 at 1:12 am
It’s amazing how friendships evolve, much like your site; luv the new look.
Some things always change for the better.
May 24th, 2005 at 8:47 am
Never have I experienced the kind of “transiency” in friendships as I have when I moved into this country as a foreigner, myself. People come and people go. That is true for people who come for their own reasons over here, and this is true for those who walk into our lives, our hearts.
But I remain with you: no matter how that friendship has evolved, no regrets should ever be held because each one is like a footprint in the sand leaving that imprint in your heart and mind.
There is always that piece of them left in you. And that is true on the other end.
Always your friend,
Cecilia
xxx
May 24th, 2005 at 10:15 am
Great post.
Change is inevitable - it’s part of life. And sometimes changes lead us in different paths. Some relationships can survive and flourish during the journey - others falter.
Like you said, there are those who would seek to smother you should you find a new energy and passion unfamiliar to them. I’ve had that happen as of late and I could not make this person hear me - really hear me. It seemed my needs became a division between us that could not be fixed. So, I had to walk away.
Maybe after time, we will see eye to eye again. I would like that. But despite the fact that we are now apart and not as one - I wouldn’t trade what I felt and learned with this person for anything.
And for that - I am grateful - and will always hold them in my heart.
Have a wonderful day.
May 24th, 2005 at 10:30 am
The people in my life who become true friends are friends for life, unless some extraordinary thing happens. I have held my friends’ hands through divorce, pregnancy, infidelity, illness, bereavement, and a host of other stresses.
I can list on one hand the number of people that I have initiated a break with, one I tried to help for many years has let alcoholism take him over and turn him into someone nasty I can’t abide, another divorced her husband of 18 years and took her 2-year old daughter with her to pursue a life of bisexuality (I sided with the hubby on that one). A college roommate reinitiated contact with me after a 3-year trip to England and I let her stay with us for 3 days. It quickly became clear she was schizophrenic and though I did contact her family and try to help her, I distanced myself because it was clear that it was beyond my abilities to help her.
When my son was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor, we experienced the entire gamut of reactions from friends. Some withdrew (the mother of two of my son’s best friends refused to tell them what happened to him for two weeks and they were conspicuously absent from the people who came to visit him in the hospital and after his surgery), but people we didn’t know or barely knew before emerged from nowhere to perform extraordinary acts of kindness.
The friend who didn’t tell her boys took two weeks to gather herself together and came back, I still count her among my best friends, I admire her for being able to face her fears and look them in the face. Another woman who I considered to be my very best friend, mother of my two boys’ best friends, never called me once during the 6 months we relocated to Memphis for my son’s radiation and chemo, despite the fact that I stayed in contact with her and my sons sent letters and cards to her sons.
I was so busy and so focused on my son, I didn’t waste any emotion on lost friends, there was no time for that. Some people deal with sadness and tragedy by withdrawing, it’s just how things go. If she needed me I’d still be there for her. We’ve sadly lost friends, but we’ve happily gained new ones, it all balances out.
I’m the kind of person who will call someone I haven’t spoken to in 10 years and try to rekindle the relationship. I don’t forget, once a friend, always a friend. Even the people I wrote off would be welcome back if they could get themselves back together or if I thought I could actually help them.
May 24th, 2005 at 2:07 pm
Wow so many good perspectives commented here. I have never been one to have many friends, I usually have many acquaintances some that border on friendship. Right now I would say I can count my real friends on more than one but less than two hands? I don’t know. Friendship in my mind has levels. True long term friends I can count on one hand but then there are others that I DO consider friends but the friendship is either still growing or faded in and out. I don’t know why I am trying so hard to draw lines around it but I am.
I have let go of a few friendships here and there at least one or two for silly reasons, the others not so silly. Others I have hung onto longer than I should have. Someone else said it, “Change is inevitable” and in many cases life’s changes change people.
I am blessed for the friends I have and know that the strong and true friendships will last through all life tosses my way, the others will add value in their own more short term way. What I have learned is that as I grow older I no longer hold onto those friendships or other relationships as long as I once did when I know I should let them go.