My life or my mom’s | Filed under General
It is so easy for me to share with other’s, give to other’s be here and there or where ever I am needed for other’s for that is just how I have always been and I hope I always will be. Today I went back I read William’s post as I have many times and something reached up and slapped me hard. This is what slapped me:
And that life, as great as it can be, can be the one entity that will put that fire out. The “day to day” can become wet, smothering blankets, snuffing our fire, strangling us, suffocating us, depriving our very soul of life itself, if we allow them to pile upon our fire.
I realized my passion is slipping away and I was not even aware of it until just now. I must not let this happen, it is all well and good that I have returned home to take care of my mother but not at the expense of my own life. I have not shared and have stayed away from discussing what has taken place since we arrived here for many reasons. Melissa knows what the situation is but did not know how bad until recently.
My husband is so very happy here which is something I have not seen in him for a very long time which in turn makes me extrely happy. He is a country or small town boy not a city boy, I am a city girl well guess what we are in the middle of nowhere GA. so he is happy but if he is happy biting my teeth I say I’m happy…lol I can shop anywhere.
My mother is in poor health and it continues to decline but she is also demanding and just decided she has no reason to live since my dad is no longer alive. This is terrible to say she will not take a bath unless she is made, she will lay in bed all day, she will not get up to eat and wants to eat in the bed and there is no reason for it. I will fuss with her to get her to do the right thing then she will make me feel guilty so either I give in and let her do what she wants to or I walk around ate up with guilt but know I am doing the right thing.
I have one younger sister who goes own with her live as if everything is normal and might call once or twice a week and offers no help at all. She has been by once in the over a month I have been here and visited for less than an hour. She is the sweet baby sister still getting her way in life as you can tell.
Well things have to change because I am not going to allow myself to contuine to be exhausted to the point I can not sit dpown and write a post here or read and comment on blogs. Excuse me I have a life I think or I did or I want one…. Help me…am I selfish, any thoughts on this…and please don’t saying the nursing home because that just breaks my heart and I can’t deal with that thought….I want my passion back and to be back on top of the world as so many of you know me to be and not to be struggling. Now I brushed myself off and let you see that I am human and not always so inspirational just most of the time and this will not be a habit for you to find me whinning.
August 28th, 2004 at 6:46 pm
Oh Victoria, what a hard thing to have to be going through, but I so hear you. Fortunatley my parents are still in good health, but I know that day will come for me someday too.
I am kind of dealing with some of same issues with not having enough time for me though. My current job is just SO demanding, it’s almost a 23 hour thing as I get soooo many calls at home and bring work home with me and this is after I spend 8019 hours a day at work! I just can’t take it any more either.
The money is good, but it’s not everything and I really need to start thinking of me, my health and my family so I am making the hard decision of looking for something less hectic and stressful. It will be less money, but I think in the long run it will out even out in the end.
You have to think of yourself and your own health, life is too short and in this day and age to damn demanding of us!
Take care….
August 28th, 2004 at 7:54 pm
Oh, Victoria, you are going through a rough road !! I am very fortunate, so far, both of my parents are still in good health.
You have to consider your health, your family and the fact that life is short and very demanding like Tracey said.
If I can do anything for you, please know that I would !! (((hugs)))
August 28th, 2004 at 8:32 pm
That so totally sucks, I don’t envy you one bit. I’m glad I have a job that puts things in perspective when I’m feeling down. Now to you, is your mother a 24/7 job or can you spend some time away from her? If she lays in bed a couple hours while you sneak away with your husband to try to capture some of the joy he feels, it will be worth it. Try to find the little pleasures. Sneak out to watch a sunrise, stop to smell the flowers. I know it’s not easy when you can’t just clock out after 12 hours but mentally, there may be a way to divorce yourself from the reality of caring for her. Just take a few minutes to yourself, she’ll last a few minutes while you surf the net. Give it a try.
August 28th, 2004 at 8:49 pm
My mother is going through similar things right now with her mom. My grandmother at least is willing to get up and keep going, but she’s incapable of living by herself and she demands attention 24 hours a day. She always has to be the center of attention. I know how rough it is on her.
Sending good thoughts your way.
August 28th, 2004 at 9:00 pm
Life is difficult! I do NOT know why things happen as they do. I am there right next to you. Perhaps when life ends we will have a quick escalator ride to heaven. There are days I hate it… and question more. I wish YOU peace. I don’t know how to help ya. I am having trouble helping myself. I send healing hugs.
August 28th, 2004 at 10:06 pm
Advice is always easier given than done! But…is it time for tough love? Maybe let her know how you are feeling, that it frustrates you because you love her so much, and that you need her help to make it better. Put it back on her. Also, taking care of yourself is part of taking care of her. If you are not in the proper shape and let yourself be run down, how will you be able to help her? I have struggled with the guilt of taking care of myself. It is a common trait that many of the female persuasion deal with. Start with giving yourself 1 evening a week. Set your Mother up for the evening. Give her some magazines, snacks, etc. and go do something JUST FOR YOU!!!
August 28th, 2004 at 10:51 pm
Interesting
Checking out the research for MS in my area. All of them are at the BNI where my doc (and many wonderful people) is and, unfortunately, I am too old for all but two and one I don’t qualify for. Rats.
But the one I may qualify for, maybe, is this on…
August 29th, 2004 at 1:22 am
taking care of aging folks can be very emotionally and physically draining. you have to take some time for yourself to keep your composure. all your blog-buddies are wishing you the best through this difficult time.
August 29th, 2004 at 6:04 pm
First of all, you’re not whinning at all, or could you ever. You are faced with one of the hardest things in life. It would be easier if your Mom had a will to live, she may try to do more for herself and not make you have to tell her. *HUGS* I’m so sorry!! That must be so hard to see and deal with.
Your sis, younger or not needs to help out. I’d put your foot down on this one. Even if she takes a whole day and gives you a break, that would help. You can’t do this all alone!! Do I need to come out there and have a chat with her?
I will!
Hang in there, and remember what an incredibly selfless and utter act of love you’re doing. No matter how hard it gets. Sending *BIG HUGS* your way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 29th, 2004 at 6:20 pm
Thats not whining, just real life.
August 29th, 2004 at 8:11 pm
Hmmm, sounds like Green Acres.
Good 4U sticking up for yourself and taking the bull by the horns little lady.
Enjoy yourself.
August 29th, 2004 at 10:48 pm
I don’t see a bit of whining in what you write, only fact, and truth, and bravery. My mother was ill for about 10 years and the last 3 years of her life I watched her waste away. We do what we have to do and if you don’t do for yourself you’ll be no good to her. Hang in there and take time for you.
August 30th, 2004 at 10:18 am
Please know that I’ll be praying for you and your family in this situation. And don’t go away–we’d all miss you too much.
August 30th, 2004 at 11:20 am
Sorry you are going through such a tough time Vickie - - Have you thought about insisting that your sister come sit with your mother for one day so you can take a day to yourself and have her do that now and then. Also have you thought about having someone, if your sister wont’, to come in and care for your mother for a couple of hours here or there. You have to take a break now and then to recharge your batteries and keep it all together for yourself. You can’t do it alone. You have to ask for help.
August 30th, 2004 at 11:31 am
Dear Victoria, Identifying that life can do this to us is the first and maybe the most important step in keeping our passions alive. Life “CAN” smother us if we “ALLOW” it to. Key words here lady that must be given proper due. You know that I am busy just like everyone else. My family, from my wife, daughters, grandsons, mother, dad, sisters and brothers, to mother-in-law, needs me from the perspective of providing a source of strength and firm ground on which to turn and stand. It has always been that way and it does take its toll. That is why when I have the opportunity to take a day for me I do. I hope and you need to push, your siblings to give you, “a day for you”. Press upon them and don’t take no for an answer, to come and spend the day caring for your mom so you can “escape” and fuel the fires of passions. The reason I shared my email with you that morning from the top of the mountain was so you could enjoy that moment with me and that you could feel your passion burn. And I know it did and you felt “passion’s fire”. We have to live, but we take the “moments” when we can. It’s truly a matter of letting the spirit soar…no matter where we are…William
August 30th, 2004 at 2:25 pm
I’m sorry that you are going through this, Sweet N Sassy!
I wish I was a girl so I could give your sister a hard newgy to the head, because it hurts as I know!
I have you in my thoughts, Sweet N Sassy, and hear is the biggest hug in the Whole wide world!
***HUGS***
August 30th, 2004 at 3:59 pm
Try to get a few hours to yourself each week.Hire someone to come in and sit with her for an afternoon,while you get some much needed time alone.Big Hugs.
August 30th, 2004 at 4:16 pm
You have the identical situation that my parents had a few years back. To help out, the had a nurses aid come by 2 or 3 times a week, afew hours at a time to do the “dirtywork”. First, the time saved was priceless, second, the time you recieve is even more so. Put an ad in the paper, you’d be amazed. Also, like you, I lost my Mom a couple of years back. I understand the pain.
August 30th, 2004 at 6:13 pm
Glad things are going well with yuor husband…hope you ahve a wonderful day!!
August 30th, 2004 at 7:52 pm
Sweetie I understand about being a “sandwich” child myself.
Don’t feel guilty for how you feel. My grandparents came to live with my husband and I when I was 27. It was difficult but I’m glad that I did it.
It takes patience (which is not one of my virtues) and love. It’s a time consuming gift to the ailing person. There were times when I didn’t even know who I was. It happens. Just know that if you need another person that understand close at hand…I’m here to listen. Take care.
August 30th, 2004 at 10:31 pm
You know what? We are all human, we sometimes feel things that we think we shouldn’t feel, we feel guilty and at the same time we feel like we are being robbed. There is only so much one person can take, don’t ever feel bad or guilty for getting upset, angry or tired. Take a day at a time and when you feel your blood pressure beginning to rise, step away for a bit. It’s hard to get the passion back when your exhausted. Hang in there!
September 3rd, 2004 at 9:10 am
Ah…families. You get past the teen years and you believe you’ve left sibling rivalry behind. But, no, it’s there with you all the time, waiting to rear its ugly head later when it comes to taking care of aging parents.
I’m the youngest in my family and my mother lives right above us. She will be moving with us when Joe does his residency next year. This is so I can be available to her and so she can spend time with her grandson. This also served very well when my father was ill.
Both of us did our best to take care of him at home, but after a while it just wasn’t working. We were exhausted and eventually neither one of us could even help him. We spent a lot of time touring nursing homes to find one with which we felt comfortable. We finally found one which was almost like a Hilton and accepted some form of public aid for its residents. My mom said, “Linda. If I ever need to be in a nursing home, I would love to be in a place like this.” It was that nice. My father spent the rest of his life there…a little over one year from his entrance. Now…here’s the kicker. My father had many good years left in him. He chose to shut down. That was his choice. That was his reality. My mother’s choice originally was to save him. She was forcing him to live her reality. That reality was stifling to them both. My mother’s health suffered because of that, and her emotions even more. When my mother made the choice to send him to a nursing home, the burden was taken off of both of them.
Where am I going with this?
From where I stand, it makes sense that you are feeling struggle. You want your mother to live on and she has chosen to shut down. Not only that, you are giving up living on with your own life to give her something she doesn’t want. I don’t think you are selfish for wanting to walk a life of passion. But, asking her to be how you want her to be for your sake…well, the word surrender comes to mind. If she is ready, maybe you should consider trusting her on this one.
This is all said with a lot of love, I hope you know. I will be thinking of you.